It looks like Nigerian scam e-mails are making a comeback--except now most of them aren't from Nigeria. I received one in my inbox a few weeks ago that was especially egregious, so I could think of nothing better to do than give it the MST3K treatment.
Dearly Beloved, [we are gathered here today to get through this thing called a scam!]
I wish you can understand the heart of a loving mother [it beats and has four chambers], I want you to know that every word that I am about to tell you is sincere and deeply from the heart of a loving mother [who writes a lot of run-on sentences], so I want you to take me like your sister [to a good restaurant?], treat this letter as how you will treat that of your sister [let it sit in my inbox for two years and then throw it out?] and that of your best friend who believes in you and count on you. [Sorry, but my dogs can’t write.] with tears droping from my eyes, I am writing this message to you with the utmost sincerity and it is my wish that you be very honest with me because I am a desperate mother who is seeking your sincere assistance to safe the life of my only beloved son. [Screw those three sons that I hate.]
My name is Almira Muhammad Zayed Al-Nahyan. [Almira, Almira, my heart’s on fire for Almira…] You may have heard through international media about the death of my husband Sheikh Zayed Al-Nahyan [six years ago]. He was married to six wives and father of more than 40 Children. [Note: Muslim men are allowed only four wives.]
You can read media report about my late husband through these following websites.
[Not the Blog of Death! AAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEE!]
my husband was assassinated by his half-brother with the help of his other five wives, but the media was made to believe another thing.
[Because they had to be forced to believe that an 86-year-old man died of natural causes.]
Although I was the last wife of my husband’s six wives, I was also his best friend and confidant, because of the love he has for me, my son become his favorite among his other children, the name of my son is ( JEFFERY AHMED ZAYED AL NAHYAN) he will be 11 Years of age by 18th November. [That great Muslim name, Jeffery. The son of Muhammad they never talked about.]
My husband also made me his personal assistance and trust me so much to the extend that he told me all his secrets [even why they called him Pee-Wee] and handed over to me the affaires of his family multi-Billion Dollars companies including a crud oil refinery [CRUD OIL?! Are its initials BP?] and made my son the sole inheritor / beneficiary of 50% of all their family wealth and his successor, ready to make him a crown prince when he is of age, by that he will become the future king and prime minister of United Arab Emirates (U.A.E) after my late husband. [But he still won’t own a Kentucky Derby winner.]
Because of this and other things which I can not say here irrupted to the killing of my late husband and I was accused of mismanagement of over US$8.6 Billion Dollars. [Note: that figure would make her the 106th richest person in the world.] With that allegations, I and my son was placed under house arrest, I was also denied access to talk with the press in other not to tell them the truth how they killed my husband and framed me with the allegation of mismanagement, also, they do not want me to tell the press how they have poisoned my husband so that the world will know the truth. [But somehow they’ve allowed you access to a computer.]
The reason why my husband’s family is making me to suffer all this is because they want me to give to them the original documents of the crud oil refinery [if the oil’s refined, how can it be crud?] and companies inherited by my son from my late husband, the documents which proved that my late husband declared by son the sole inheritor of fifty percent of his family wealth and companies.
The reason I am taking this desperate step to contact you is because I want to safe the life of my son and his inheritance. I am now very sick, I have a feeling that I have been poisoned [That’s not poison, Almira. That’s overexposure to bullshit.] and they have refused to give me access to a physician. This people are very desperate to get their hands on these documents, to kill me and my son but I won’t let them and that is why I need your help, I can not get in contact with any of my friends, relatives or even anybody that I use to know, all my communications are monitored except this internet because they don’t know about it yet. [That’s right—the royal family of Dubai hasn’t discovered the Internet yet.]My late husband confided in me that he has deposited those documents and the sum of US$31 Million (Thirty One Million United States Of America Dollars) [How much, again?] in a Security Company’s Vault far away from this country, outside this continent where I will tell you later. He decided to deposite it far away when he got the feelings that his other wives and his brothers want him dead, he has to travel to a far away country to made the deposit in the name of my son to safe his inheritance and his future. [If he were that worried about his safety, why didn’t he just leave permanently? And take you and your son with him?] My utmost concern right now is to get my son and his inheritance proof out to a safe place, to you, which I must succeed now that I still have little strength. [That, and to find some decent Chinese food.]
This is very urgent; I count on your help to safe the life and future of my son. Also you will find in the bank vault the copy of my late husband’s last testament declaring my son the rightful beneficiary to the multi Billion dollar companies. [But wait, there’s more! Also in the vault is a year’s supply of Lee Press-On Nails, just for playing our game!] Incase if I die, if they kill me, you will hand those documents over to my son when he is of a matured age, so that with it in the future he can claim what rightfully belong to him. [And when I die, and when I’m gone, there’ll be one child born in this world to carry on this stupid con, yeah…]
Please, I want you to be very sincere and honest with me [OK, lady, you’re full of shit!] because you are my last hope, I will like to see your face, please send me your picture so that I will have a visible knowledge of how you look like, I will tell you what to do and send our picture to you when I get your reply. [With or without numbers at the bottom?]
Thanks for your time
Almira Muhammad Zayed Al-Nahyan [Jingleheimer Schmidt]
My private Email: almirawahab@insing[Sing?].com